i've just finished my mondaywednesdayfriday during which i had to suffer through two hours of a girl sitting next to me who smelled exactly like anaïs. three and a half years. three and a half years since i stood crying off of boulevard st. michel on my eighteenth birthday, and i can still smell her. her scent leaves me asunder.

i can't stop thinking about the ending of annie hall. the joke about the guy who goes to the psychiatrist and says "doc i need some help, my brother thinks he's a chicken." then the doctor says, "so why don't you turn him in?" to which, the guy replies, "i can't afford to, i need the eggs." relationships are so crazy and irrational and make us do ridiculous things, but we keep going through them nonetheless....i guess we all just need the eggs...

i've fumbled through a lot of short and not quite meaningless relationships in the last year and a half. it's been so long that i've actually been really excited about a girl that i can't quite remember what it feels like to be in love - except that it was infinitely better than this. a friend of mine, while talking about anaïs, once told me, "that's your curse sean. you'll never love anyone as much as you loved her." i often wonder if he's right, or if i am incapable of loving or if i just haven't met anyone right in a an awfully long time.

my swedish ex-girlfriend of two years used to start fights about anaïs telling me that i didn't love her as much as i had loved anaïs. of course, i would tell her she was being absurd, but in hindsight, i think she might have been right. now who's fault (if anyone's) was that? did i love her less because i was burned out and had reassembled my sheaths of discarded armor? or was it due to her infidelity and thoughtlessness? i hope it was the latter, because the former leaves me empty with fear....