today was the last day of the four week advanced senior fiction writing seminar with fred chappell. despite never having taken a writing or english class in college, he let me come and we workshopped my stories with the two seniors on the creative fiction writing track. this experienced marked, with a few exceptions, the first time i've ever let people read my work. i feel like it was a good experience for me that allowed me to work on stories instead of just writing something and letting it stand forever as is. it's no wonder that i've not been satisfied with most of my writing.

we had a little chat after the other students had left, where we talked about my art. i brought up two main topics that i had been devoting a lot of thought to lately. the first is the distinction between wanting to write and wanting to have written. often enough, i feel like i don't want to write a novel, i want to have written a novel. he equated it with athletes....everyone would like to be a star athlete, few are willing to work for it. he reassured me that most writers felt like this. i'm not sure that this makes me feel any better though, because most writers aren't good. the other idea i brought up is the advice that rilke gives in his first letter to a young poet:

_Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impluse._

rilke goes on to say that if one feels it is possible to live without writing, then it's better to not write at all. i find myself questioning if i must write. obviously, chappell didn't have an answer to this. only through the living selfautopsy of my soul, can i really know the answer to this question. finally, after we had discussed writing and art for a while, i gave him my copy of one of his novels to sign. walking across the cold spring campus in georgia, i opened my copy of _i am one of you forever_ to the first page. written inside was the simple inscription:

_For Sean -

With great expectations

Fred Chappell_

i'm sure that during his last week here as a visiting professor that there have been many people asking him to sign his books of poetry and prose, but i like to think that this was genuine. in fact, i have no reason to think otherwise. when he didn't like the title of one of my stories, he'd say: sean, i really hate this title. i didn't spend but a few weeks studying with this man, but i feel as though those weeks were very important for me. i just hope i can live up to his as well as my own great expectations for my written word...