some brief reflections on the state that i am in:

i am very alone and feel appropriately so. the reason for this state is superficially and most easily recognized (from the inside looking out) as a symptom of being a disagreeable person. that is to say, that there are few people that i care very much about and in turn very few people who care much about me. add to this living in an isolated place and i am consequentialy left to my own devices; namely solitude.

however, upon examination of this explanation, i find several flaws therin. there are, in fact, several people who seem to care about me at one point or another. these people wish to be my friend, wish to be my girlfriend or wish to bet let inside of my solitude. granted, they do not form an army, but they number enough to remedy any dramatic and depressive state of overt lonliness. of these few, even fewer do i allow inside - and usually to a limited degree. when asking myself why i do not allow these others inside, why i do not share some important part of myself with them and in turn reciprocate the exchange, the simple answer is that i do not want to. when i wonder why it is that i do not want to, the possibility arises that i do not feel that, for whatever reason, these people are the right ones to let in. that they are not 'good enough.' that is to say that they are not the right fit, if you will. this would seem to be a reasonable enough answer, except that it is not true. they are, in fact, more than good enough. they are, figutarively speaking, the correct size. so why is it that i do not want to help fill this void with their presence?

i think the answer is still that i do not want to, although for different reasons than stated above. for example, tonight, i could have been with at least one of two female companions whose company i enjoy, and who both care about me. i could have enjoyed company both mentally and physically. however, i am alone. i have already established that both are 'good enough.' yet still, i keep them at arms distance. always. i do not enjoy being alone. i am not a masochist, nor do i savor the opressing burden of lonliness that comes with saturday night solitude. so why do i remain alone? why do i choose to be alone? for it is a choice.

i have learned that i have never learned to let go. once i hold on to something, i cannot wrest my bleeding fingers from it. often times trappers will dig a hole in the ground just big enough for a raccon's arm and flat extended hand. in the bottom of this hole they will place a bright shiny object. the raccon will reach into the hole and grab on to the object; however, when the raccon's hand is made into a clenching fist (with the shiny object inside), it becomes too large to extract from the trap. the raccon must but open its hand and release the object in order to be free. but it never does. it will starve to death every time. i, like the racoon, have not learned to let go. however, i have learned to not grab onto the bright and shiny object in the first place...