a friday night gone bad, with mutual hurt feelings and enough blame to go around. i think aloud that i don’t want to be with someone who needs to make an effort to spend time with me. she realizes that i was probably right, and maybe our problems and her proverbial putting of sticks in the spokes might be easily explained: she doesn’t want to be with me. we recognize the might be problem, which i suspected all along, and decide to call it quits. she comes back asking if i want to work things out, and i reply that although the problem affects me, it’s her problem and so her decision. i tell her that we should see how we feel after my three weeks away. we make love.

one stony call later, and i write a post card:

après ton appel aujourd’hui, j’ai du mal à décider au quel des deux proverbes tu te souscris :

loin des yeux, loin du cœur.
absence makes the heart grow fonder.

le français étant ta langue maternelle, je crains le pire. cependant, comme je suis anglophone, et donc plus disposé à croire au seconde des deux proverbes, je pense très fort à toi. cela dit, comme ceci est une carte postale, je devrais te dire qu’il fait beau, que je m’amuse bien, et of course, i wish you were here.

je t’embrasse fort,

sean

p.s. i miss you.
p.p.s. demain fera(it) deux mois…

the czech post and a french strike made my words less than immediate. in the meantime, another phone conversation left me feeling empty:

moi: alors, je te manque énormément?
elle: comment ça, énormément ?
moi: tu sais, beaucoup.
elle: tu sais, je suis vraiment chargée en ce moment, et je pense qu’au boulot etc etc etc…
moi: en bref, non. tout ça pour dire que je te manque pas. well i miss you.
elle: c’est très gentil.

then a solitary birthday, where she couldn’t be bothered to call, only to send a text message, with the two (unpunctuated even) words: joyeux anniversaire

a return to paris including a missed flight and lost luggage reveals to me that she didn’t even ask what time i was getting in. she says that she is on her way home and can’t see me tomorrow, but might be able to see me the next night. because, in any case, we have “some things to talk about.” i ask her what kind of discussion this is going to be, and she says that we should talk about it face to face, and i say goodbye.

and then a text message: au fait, j’ai reçu ta carte.
and my response: j’aurais bien aimé ne pas avoir raison.
and then hers: je suis desolée sean.

i have work tomorrow.